Friday, 15 July 2011

Sometimes, Negativity is just too Strong...

How do you know if something is real or fake?
Just how?
It’s become impossible for me to tell now. There are too many variables, too many subjective perceptions flying around to know for sure what the truth is.
How do I know, that what I am seeing is genuinely real? I don’t understand.
How do I know, if the person doing all the right actions and saying all the right things is being genuine and means them, and I am not just perceiving it wrong. Or, how do I know, that the person doing all the right actions and saying all the right things is being fake, and my perceptions are correct? I know no-one will ever read this, so I will never know. But I just don’t know if my perceptions are correct or incorrect. And it hurts. Because something is telling me “you’re 100% right, this gut feeling is telling you that this person is faking these things and doesn’t mean them”.
The other thing is saying “don’t be stupid. There is no reason for this person to suddenly change his actions from being genuine to being fake in a matter of hours”.
But I think there is. There is a possibility. That in those 6 hours the person decided he has had enough, he can’t be bothered, he doesn’t want to make an effort (something he said last night tells me this “you’re such an effort. Just relax”) and he doesn’t want to be bothered with a relationship anymore.
I just can’t tell. I am 60% sure that the latter is the matter. I say this, because he said I am an effort and I need to relax. Now, to me, this means that he can’t be bothered to put effort in himself. In my eyes, as soon as someone stops putting effort into a relationship, the moment it begins to fall apart. We are not friends. We are not linked by the invisible underlying rule that friends are just there for you because they are there. We are engaged for god sake, and we need to put effort in to make that distinction between friends and lovers. Being in a relationship means doing little things for the other person that he/she will love. Saying nice things that you mean, that will make the other person happy. Recently, i’ve come to realise, that this has stopped in my relationship. And that paired with the thing he said last night, has shed light on the real thing. He just can’t be bothered.
If am wrong, I will say so. And I will post another blog quite happily admitting I was wrong, and the full moon made me crazy. (I am sure that the full moon affects people.)
So, watch this space. Over this weekend (which, unfortunately, is his birthday weekend, so I have to bloody make an effort whether I want to or not), I will try and not bother. I will step back. And see how he takes it. If he senses something is wrong, and is worried and maybe even a little upset (ha, who am I kidding?!), then that will be a start. The next thing is if he does or says anything that will make me see that he can still be bothered.
All I did was cry last night. I cried for an hour or so. I haven’t cried like that for a while. A very long while. Where I thought everything was tickety boo.
And all I want to do now is cry.
Work just gets in the way.
I wish there was a sign.
Relationships are so friggin’ hard :(

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