Wednesday, 30 November 2011

50 Q&A's.

I have been really really awful at keeping up to date with my blog lately. I don't know, I just, havn't had much to say, and very little time to write it in. To help me get back on track, I saw that my very dear friend used 50 questions here , and thought I would steal them and use them on my blog!
Feel free to use them on yours!
  1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?  Probably about 16. That's how old people tend to think I am =[
  2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Hmmm... never trying. You'll end up regretting it.
  3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Because the things we do want to do costs money. And no-one (unless you're very lucky) has the money to do the things we do want to do. So we have to do the things we don't like doing to get the money, or just to tie us over for a while.
  4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? Yes. I'm a talker and a dreamer. I dream about doing things...but never do them.
  5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? too many things, some of which may cause controversy. So I won't be specific.
  6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?  Writing, shopping, eating! So basically an author, a personal shopper, food critique!
  7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? Doing what I believe is not allowed in my country, so I have to settle!
  8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? Travel. Everywhere. Spend lots of money that I don't have.
  9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? After I left school I was able to steer my life in the direction I wanted. I went to sixth form, got my a-levels, went to uni, got my degree. Those were things I did and I controlled the outcome. Now, my life is coasting down a long and winding road. I have no control.
  10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Doing things right.
  11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? Probably ask them why they are criticisng them..
  12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Don't go to university!

  13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?  Only if I don't get caught!
  14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? Never
  15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Too trusting.
  16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? Because I am so very different to many people. I seem to be pleased with the littlest things..
    17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? Money =[
    18.  Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Nope.
    19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? Australia, because they have a much better society, rules, morals, weather. Everything is better there.
    20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? Only if it hasn’t come in the last 5 minutes!
    21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? A joyful simpleton – I hate worrying, I hate not being happy
    22. Why are you, you? I could give you a scientific answer...or a philosophical one. Let’s go with the scientific. Simply because I inherited some characteristics from my parents, and then the environment continues to mould me.

    23.  Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? I think I have, I always try to help my friends, and be there when I can. My fiancé tells me I’m too selfless and too nice when it comes to my friends...but I can’t be selfish when it comes to them... If I could buy them the things they need, I really would.
    24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Losing touch with a friend who lives near me.
    25. What are you most grateful for? My family, friends and my fiancé.
    26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? That’s awful! Neither...I guess maybe, never able to make new ones...  
    27. Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first? Not always, especially in my case!
    29. Has your greatest fear ever come true? Nope, thankfully, touch wood it doesn’t
    30.  Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? It doesn’t matter now, not at all.
    31. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?  Being ignorant. Having no responsibilities. Playing with my Barbies and Playmobil. It’s special because I was very happy.
    32. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? I have yet to feel like this =[
    33. If not now, then when? Never
    34.  If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? The life I want
    35. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? Yeeeea, why not!
    36. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Because of the difference of opinion.
    37. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? Yes
    38.  If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? Definitely, but I would continue working at a job that I enjoy. Perhaps as  a vet nurse.
    39.  Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? More work that I enjoy doing
    40. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? YES! For over a year, it’s the same thing, day in, day out. It’s so depressing.
    41.  When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? I’ve never done this.
    42.  If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? My fiancé, family, friends.
    43. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? No way
    44. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Truly living is living each day to the fullest, and experience new things. Being alive is simply just taking each day as it comes and not doing anything with it.
    45. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?  When you have nothing to lose. Or if the outcome is beneficiary to you.
    46. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? Because the consequences are not fun or good!
    47. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Probably speak my mind a bit more.
    48. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? I can’t remember, possibly when I was ill.
    49. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? My family. I am useless at telling them how much I love them. I’m a pretty lame daughter and sister to be honest!
    50. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that? Haha no way. It’s all the bloody same!
    51. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? Usually for myself... but it can be influenced by my fiancé

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Today is Sunday!

And we went to Leeds Castle in Kent. It was a lovely day, the weather was beautiful. You wouldn't have thought it was the end of November! 
It was just what I needed, a good fun day out with my man. Ahhh =]
Hope you like the pics, these are just the good few of about 80 that I took! I'm off to eat home made brownies, and watch the man play on his game (I'm a good fiancée!)

Saturday, 19 November 2011

New Blog!

I have made a second blog! 
Please wander on over here and take a little look. More will be revealed when you click the link!
It is very bare at the moment, I am just busy writing some content for it.

Watch that space! 

Friday, 18 November 2011

Hysteria... what I am feeling right now. 
I've been a real nasty piece of work lately, and it needs to stop.
I honestly can not figure it out why I am being so horrible and cold.
I don't know why I am lashing out.
Except, I know one thing.
I want it all. I want it now. I want to live. I want a career. I want a house. I want to go on holiday. 
I haven't got it all. It's so far away, I'm losing touch with reality.
I'm blaming it on the wrong person. I'm lashing out, making false accusations, saying things I don't mean.
It's hurting. I hate hurting people. Especially if it's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. 

It's bugging me 
Grating me 
And twisting me around 
Yeah, I'm endlessly 
Caving in 
And turning inside out 

'Cause I want it now 
I want it now 
Give me your heart and your soul 
And I'm breaking out 
I'm breaking out 
Last chance to lose control 

It's holding me, morphing me 
And forcing me to strive 
To be endlessly cold within 
And dreaming I'm alive 

'Cause I want it now 
I want it now 
Give me your heart and your soul 
I'm not breaking down 
I'm breaking out 
Last chance to lose control 

And I want you now 
I want you now 
I feel my heart implode 
And I'm breaking out 
Escaping now 
Feeling my faith erode

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Thank you, Lady Gaga, for helping me find my inner teenage girl again!

Tonight, I did something I haven't done in a very, very long time. I danced like a crazy person in my room, in front of my mirror, on my bed, in my underwear, hair spray in one hand, singing away to Lady Gaga. Just as I used to do when I was a teenager. And boy, it was amazing!
I love her new album, Born this Way. She has the power to make me just get up and move! Her music is fab. I love it. Highly recommend this album. Her other two are also rather good, but this one is far more fun to dance to - by that, I mean that it has more dance tunes on it.
I needed this night, to just be me. To "rock out" (which I did with a bit of rock before I stuck on the Gaga!)
I thought I should share this moment with you, because it is most definitely something you should do. Get this album, and dance like nothing is weighing you down!
I feel so much better for it, especially after feeling down this week. I am definitely ready for the short weekend that is ahead (I am working Saturday, boo!)
Anyway, so, I thank you, Lady Gaga, for making incredible music, and helping me to let go of my bag of worries, boring, life shit that I have been lugging around with me lately....

.....well, for one night at least.

An Ode to Friends

I love my friends.
I don’t have a lot.
I don’t need a lot.
I have 3 really close friends
And one even closer friend.
They are amazing.
I love how you can talk and talk and talk and not care about what you’re saying, how you’re saying it or why you‘re saying it. No matter what, they will always listen. They will always care.
They give you help when you need it without judgement. When criticism is needed, they give it to you constructively.
They somehow have the power to turn worries into nothing, and nothing into wonders.
Thank you friends, for being there when I need you, for sorting out my head, and teaching me that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings. I will always do the same for you.
I love my friends, and I just wanted everyone to know.

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

On a more Melancholy Note...

Last night, while driving home, tears streaming from my eyes, rolling down my face, I had an epiphany.
No matter how hard I try, my life will never be perfect. I will never have complete and total happiness. I will never be truly happy.
I need to take control, take back the steering wheel, and get onto a road that will help me to live the life I want.
Sounds rather depressive, right? Well yea. To admit, I had just left somewhere after having a foul conversation...and it wasn’t the first time I’ve driven home blind with tears. It was this thought that led me down a long, confusing, winding road of thought.
I always manage to bugger things up. I think last night taught me that I am quite selfish. But it’s a strange kind of selfish. I want things to happen so that it keeps things afloat and happy. I want things to happen because I think it’s what should happen. Not necessarily for personal gain. It seems, however, that this just causes more problems than it does eradicate or prevent them.
So, in my thinking, I promised myself to stop doing this. I vowed that I will let go a little bit, let it coast and see where it ends up. I am not going to be the one to make the first moves anymore.

I figured that if I’m the one who has to do everything in my effort to try and keep things going, then it’s just unfair. As I said, the more I try, the more things seem to go in the opposite direction. I am going to peel away, and just be me, and focus on me. I need to find happiness elsewhere. I can’t just rely on one source, because when this source fails, or runs out, I’ll be empty and miserable. And this, I’ve been told, and I have learned, is not good.

So what am I doing about this? Well, I’m going to take on board the “mind, body and soul” approach. This is where the key to having a good life is to feed these 3 things. Mind – learn new things; Body – workout & exercise; soul – well, I haven’t quite figured that one out yet!  I have already made an enquiry into taking a 9 month CIPD Human Practice course, which the very kind lady told me is a great starting point for a career in human resources. It’s £2495. I hope there is a pay monthly option! I will also be steaming head first into applying for jobs again. I have been lapsing lately, so I need to start that again. So that ‘s the mind bit sorted; I am going to attend the gym more regularly – body; and the soul, well, maybe just relaxing, listening to music, drawing etc.
I have also taken to reading about positive thinking. 

It’s amazing how people have changed their lives around simply by changing the way they think. A guy at work is the most positive person I know. Every day he is happy, and most days I am not. In the mornings while making our breakfast, it rubs off and 9 times out of 10, I end up happier. He has an amazing philosophy and outlook, and I really want to achieve the same thought process. Sooo, I am going to order a positive thinking for dummies book, and see if I can change.

Change is in order. It’s scary, I don’t like change, but it’s about time I stop running from what I have to do!

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Just another Lazy Afternoon

*Trumpet Fan-fair!* This is my 100th post! Woo! Thank you to everyone who is following me, and everyone who reads my blog! I love watching those numbers go up, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and I am very grateful to you all! =]

It wasn't really a lazy afternoon, we did actually do things. It was a beautiful Autumn day, the sun was shining, it was warm, there wasn't a cloud in the sky. My kind of day!
We wandered around our local country park, stopped quickly on our way home to take a picture of the sunset and treated ourselves to a late lunch at Frankie & Benny's. This evening, we are simply chilling out. He is playing his new Xbox game, Skyrim and afterwards we'll just snuggle and watch a film.

This weekend has gone by so quick! Too quick even, I can't actually believe it =[. Why!? I don't like this phenomenon of time flying when you're having fun. Time should fly when you're bored. I can see why the phenomenon occurs, because you don't clock watch when you're having fun, so it seems to go by without you noticing. But would be nice if we had a chance to savour the weekend's fun filled activities, it feels like only yesterday we had a long 3 day weekend!
I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend! 


I finally got my arse into gear yesterday and put a few things on ebay!
Check them out here:
I will be adding more as time goes by, and as I find more things to sell (I can see my wardrobe becoming very bare, and my bank account taking a hit as I will see it as a chance to buy more clothes!). 

I am new to this, so I have no idea how to get a bid going. I think my starting price is rather reasonable, but it may be set at too high...we'll see how it goes, and if in 6 days I have no luck, I'll decrease it. 
So, if any of you fellow bloggers have any advice, selling tips and hints, I will be very happy and grateful to receive them from you! Just leave me a comment =]
Wish me Luck! 

Saturday, 12 November 2011

Saturday 9

I've been rather absent from my blog lately, and for that, I apologise. I also missed last Saturday's meme! I now plan to resume this regular Saturday blog, with this week's Saturday 9.

1. Have you discovered a betrayal? If so, did you ask, “How long has THIS been going on”?
Yes. I have discovered a betrayal, it wasn't a betrayal of trust as such, it was a something that turned out to be a lie. And my first question was "so how long has this been going on for?"

2. What is the longest line you've ever stood in? Would you do it again? 

The longest line I have ever stood in was when the fiancé and I went to the Foo Fighters gig this year at Milton Keynes. We got there at half past 1, and the gates open at 4. We waited in that queue. I would definitely wait in that again for the same reason... either at a gig or to meet a famous person.... but nothing else really deserves that much of a wait! 

3. Someone has hung a sign around your neck, and you have to wear it all day long. What does it say? 

"Psychology graduate with +1 years experience - career wanted" 

4. As the Christmas season approaches, what song is it that you just can't wait to hear? 
Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree.

5. What Christmas song do you dread to hear?

Fairytale of New York by The Pogues. HATE IT! 

6. How often do you read the last chapter of a book first? 


7. Do you have a favorite movie that you just love to see each year during the holidays? 


8. Do you enjoy winter in the area that you live?

Only when it is a clear sunny day. I hate the rain. I hate the wind. I hate the freezing cold. I hate the darkness! 

9. At holiday I think we all show more kindness. In your opinion, is this a “concept” that has value (like money or other tangible things) or does it exist as simply emotion? Why? 

Christmas holds host to the clichés "tis the season of good will" and "Christmas is for giving" etc. So I think that it makes everyone feel like that they have to give. Whether this is a true emotion or not is yet to be discovered... but for now, lets' just say it is an emotion that leads people to the concept of having to be kind. 

Give - Away Extension!

Unfortunately, I have not made it to having 20 followers =[.
As a result, I will simply let the give-away run until I hit 20, at which point, I will stop, assign each a number, and pull 3 out at random. 
So get following! 

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Catching Up!

I’ve been away; mentally, not physically. I haven’t been myself of late, and so my blog has suffered. You may have been able to tell from a little post a few days ago! Apologies!

So, to catch up... well, to be honest, there is nothing to say! Last weekend was fab, I had a long one, as I had Monday off to help my best friends move house. Saturday night was fireworks night, so my best friends, my fiancé and I went to Colchester Castle for an amazing firework display, after which we went to a cute little pub and had a Pizza Hut.

It was a wonderful evening; I can’t honestly remember laughing as much as I did that night in a very long time!

Other than that, it’s just work during the day and snuggles in front of the telly with the fiancé in the evenings.
I was thinking of starting a new blog, one that has purpose. This was originally just meant to follow me and my journey through life as a twenty-something graduate, but seeing as that’s come to a standstill due to money saving, it’s become sort of mixed up with other things. I mean, at least it is fulfilling its purpose as a “notebook” – just writing everything and anything in, and I will continue to do so, but after following interesting blogs about fashion etc, I felt that I would love to start a blog that has a structure and purpose! 

Watch this space!

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Can I go now please?

I actually have my passport in my bag. 
This morning, I've had enough. 
Of everything.
I could very easily get on a tube to the airport, get on the plane. And go. 
What's stopping me? 
Just one person.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Body Image

This is a post that I have been thinking about publishing for a while now. I just wasn’t sure how to go about it. A couple of weeks ago, Alesha Dixon (former Mis-teeq member and British pop star) presented a television programme on body image/confidence. A 16 year old girl had become so obsessed over looking like the perfect women we see in the media, that she became anorexic, and had a boob job. As a result, Alesha decided to “investigate” how the media portrays perfect bodies, and if they actually exist beyond the glossy pages. Of course, the answer was no, no body is “perfect” b y measurement; each is “perfect” in its own way. It was astonishing just how much air-brushing is used in magazines, from the photo shoot to ad-hoc papped photos of celebs on the beach. It lead to a conclusion that thousands of women are trying to become what is essentially not real – they are following a false belief – the belief that there is a perfect body, and that these celebrities have them; so Alesha decided to do an untouched magazine cover. She still looked amazing, better than the cover that had been touched up, more “real” if you like, and less plastic looking.
As a result, the programme really got me thinking. How has it been allowed, and still allowed, people in power to manipulate images that will be fed to thousands of people, making some of them feel really bad, miserable, depressed; making some people feel so “un-perfect” that they get an eating disorder? It’s just not on.

I have been affected by it. Not in a really serious way. I am struggling with my body image. Sometimes I feel ok, I can look in the mirror and think “I’m ok”. Other times, I look in the mirror, and think “ugh” and I pick out bits of me that I don’t like. I have a slight problem with food, in that I am very conscious of what I eat, constantly checking calorie, fat and sat fat content. I occasionally feel guilty when I eat a take-away or a fast food meal (but these are often feelings I get after eating this junk more than twice in a week). 

I joined the gym because I thought I was getting bigger. I feel so much better about myself when I have been.
There are occasions I just feel like my body is not how a woman’s should be. Now, there are certain things that I can’t change, like my height etc, and, I used to want to get a boob job. Obviously I don’t want this anymore, there are a number of females who embrace it, and actually put forward reasons as to why they’re better smaller than bigger. I’m still trying to accept that...!  I had a moment when I recently saw on the front page of the worst newspaper in the world “Doctor finds formula for perfect boobs” I mean, how outrageous! The main point is that boobs have got to be big, bigger the better and they have to be round, droop a certain bit below the nipple, and basically, the more that your boobs derive from the formula, and the more abnormal they are. I couldn’t believe it. I could go on and on and on about how disgusting that was. I fail to see anywhere that tells men how to have the perfect chest, or face, or even genitals!

So, it’s natural from all these doctors finding perfect boobs, and media portraying the perfect body that’s not real, that, I sometimes do feel like I’m not good enough. I am engaged, and, of course, he has nothing but amazing things to say about my body. But, sometimes, I can’t help thinking, is this enough for him? Is he only accepting it and saying nice things because he has to? I mean, us women are fed so much information about “what men want”. For example, in the Him section on MSN, there is a page dedicated to “women we adore”. When you click on it, they are all “textbook” women – big boobs, long legs, blonde hair, slim, toned. And I think, I’m nothing like this, how can he be happy with someone “average”?  It’s not fair that I, and many other women, should feel like this.

I’m not saying it’s one sided in terms of gender, I’m simply writing from a woman’s point of view. It’s just, there is much more of a media storm surrounding women than there is around men. Notice, in adverts, men are generally shown from only the torso up, yet a whole woman is shown. I find that there is less emphasis on “the perfect man” in the media, and less pictures.

I would love to know what you think about how the media plays its part in body image. Do you somtimes suffer? Or couldn't you care less?
I would love to hear your thoughts =]