Tuesday, 15 November 2011

On a more Melancholy Note...

Last night, while driving home, tears streaming from my eyes, rolling down my face, I had an epiphany.
No matter how hard I try, my life will never be perfect. I will never have complete and total happiness. I will never be truly happy.
I need to take control, take back the steering wheel, and get onto a road that will help me to live the life I want.
Sounds rather depressive, right? Well yea. To admit, I had just left somewhere after having a foul conversation...and it wasn’t the first time I’ve driven home blind with tears. It was this thought that led me down a long, confusing, winding road of thought.
I always manage to bugger things up. I think last night taught me that I am quite selfish. But it’s a strange kind of selfish. I want things to happen so that it keeps things afloat and happy. I want things to happen because I think it’s what should happen. Not necessarily for personal gain. It seems, however, that this just causes more problems than it does eradicate or prevent them.
So, in my thinking, I promised myself to stop doing this. I vowed that I will let go a little bit, let it coast and see where it ends up. I am not going to be the one to make the first moves anymore.

I figured that if I’m the one who has to do everything in my effort to try and keep things going, then it’s just unfair. As I said, the more I try, the more things seem to go in the opposite direction. I am going to peel away, and just be me, and focus on me. I need to find happiness elsewhere. I can’t just rely on one source, because when this source fails, or runs out, I’ll be empty and miserable. And this, I’ve been told, and I have learned, is not good.

So what am I doing about this? Well, I’m going to take on board the “mind, body and soul” approach. This is where the key to having a good life is to feed these 3 things. Mind – learn new things; Body – workout & exercise; soul – well, I haven’t quite figured that one out yet!  I have already made an enquiry into taking a 9 month CIPD Human Practice course, which the very kind lady told me is a great starting point for a career in human resources. It’s £2495. I hope there is a pay monthly option! I will also be steaming head first into applying for jobs again. I have been lapsing lately, so I need to start that again. So that ‘s the mind bit sorted; I am going to attend the gym more regularly – body; and the soul, well, maybe just relaxing, listening to music, drawing etc.
I have also taken to reading about positive thinking. 

It’s amazing how people have changed their lives around simply by changing the way they think. A guy at work is the most positive person I know. Every day he is happy, and most days I am not. In the mornings while making our breakfast, it rubs off and 9 times out of 10, I end up happier. He has an amazing philosophy and outlook, and I really want to achieve the same thought process. Sooo, I am going to order a positive thinking for dummies book, and see if I can change.

Change is in order. It’s scary, I don’t like change, but it’s about time I stop running from what I have to do!

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