Grateful for those that Love

I have joined the "I am grateful for..." blog. There are many things that I am grateful for...but this week I am grateful for those that love me. These people are my friends, family and my fiance.

1. I am grateful for my mum. She and I have not always seen eye to eye, and we have had a countless number of arguments, as mothers and daughters do. But this week, she has been amazing. She has made me laugh and smile, and she has made me feel very loved. I am grateful to her for being there for me, no matter how many times I have not done the same for her.

2. I am grateful for my fiance. We all have our flaws, no one is perfect, not even my fiance; but he is an amazing guy who does a lot for me, and lately I have not been able to see that. He fitted new speakers in my car yesterday after a week of hard, tiring work. It saved me paying £50 to get someone else to do it. I am grateful for having a man who can and will do anything for me.

3. I am grateful for my friends. Day or night, rain or shine, my friends are always there for me no matter what. If I have had a bad day or an argument with someone, my friends always know what to say and know how to cheer me up, and sometimes even allow me to see the wrongs of my complaining! I am grateful for having friends that are always willing to help.

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Working on a Saturday

So here I am, on a Saturday. At work.
It's not bad to be honest. It's really quiet, there are only 3 members of staff in (in the office) and we can basically just (scuse my french) dick around. And I get the added bonus of getting overtime for it, so I'll get a bit more money, for doing not a lot!
The picture is my mug, from Artbox, bought for £2! It's my loyal friend and has held tea for me in this office for a good few months now. I had a green tinkerbell one, but I grew up (at the age of 21!) and it also was a sucker for showing gross tea stains. So I got this one. I thought I black one would be a really good idea, but turns out, it shows the stains just as much as a green or even a white one would! I still use it though, and I like the little saying on the side. It's a nice little phrase that will never be true, but there is always hope!

I had a brainwave yesterday as to the direction of this blog. It had escaped me until now. But I think, it's simply going to be the endeavours of a 22 year old ex student, trying to make her way into the world - well, at least, just trying to be in the world! I will just blog here my day, my feelings, my outift maybe? Something along those lines. I've noticed that many blogs that I read are all authored by older people, I have yet to find one that is authored by someone of a similar age. I'm sure there is one, but I'll just go with my idea for now! I will begin with a new blog post.... 

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All things J...

 

J for Jenni
J for Jones. My surname.

J for Juice. I love to drink juice, mainly fresh mixed fruit juice.
J for Jelly. I haven’t had this for a while. I love strawberry jelly that my mum makes.
J for June. The month of my birthday.
J for Junkfood. I eat this. A lot.
J for Jacket. My favourite one being leather.
J for Jade. My best friend.
J for Journal. I have lots of these.
J for Jenni. For that is my name, and that is who I am!

Mixed Bag

This is a mixed bag!
The good stuff. I went to the gym last night, and had my first personal trainer session! It was very interesting, I basically had a body MOT. I found out that my blood pressure is fine, but my resting heart rate is 108bpm! Which is far faster than it should be. I have only 18% body fat. My BMI is 18, it should be between 20-30. I burn 1304 calories a day just sitting down doing nothing! There is more interesting things, but that’s all I can remember! The personal trainer said I have to work on a lot of cardio machines to get my heart rate down.  I am going again tonight, to do this, and if I go 20 in 3 months, I will get back the £35 fee that I paid for the personal trainer sessions and stuff! The other half is away for work.
Which gives me perfect time to reflect on what I want, who I want, and what life I want. I feel like I’ve come to a point where life is starting to bore me. I know this is the case for 99% of people in the UK or the world, but I am one of those people who are bored and want to change it. You know what I would really love to be? I would love to be able to sing, and be in a band, and be really popular, sell loads of albums, and make lots of money. Money that will fuel my need for adventure. My other half and I will be able to move in together, and many of our problems will be solved. That is the ultimate dream. This will never happen, and will stay a dream, because a) I can’t sing b) I am not in a band C) the music business is very hard to get into!
Another dream that will never happen, is that I would love to move to Australia. I think I will be ridiculously happy there. By the beach. And the sun every day. Most days anyway. And there seems to be so much more opportunities there. I wanna goooo!
The more realistic dream is that I just want to know what I want to do in life! I have no idea L
Anway. I feel really blue today. The little fire that burns inside me bright and big is a mere single flame. It’s a simple fact of me feeling like nothing is good enough. That what certain people do – or don’t do – is not enough. This has left me with a nasty doubting feeling....can I really go the distance? I don’t know if I can carry on without the little things. the small things that matter. The small things that show someone that they really love and care about you.
So, while he is away, I have an evening planned on releasing those happy hormones. I am going to the gym and working out for 2 hours. Or more. I am then going on a sun bed for 5 mins. I will then go home and eat chocolate and drink wine, get drunk and watch a trashy film and sing at the top of my voice “all bbbbyyyyyyy myyyyyyseeeelllf”. All I need now is about 100 fags and I’ll be the Jenni Jones turned Bridget Jones. I am not going to talk, txt or even think about my other half. And we shall measure up the results tomorrow. 

Read!

So I didn’t go to the gym yesterday. I know. It’s Gavin’s fault! As soon as I got back in the car to go to the gym, he called me saying he was home back from work! He wanted to see me so off I went! I am definitely going today, as I have a personal trainer session booked in at 5.
I collected all the books that I have to read, and there is a lot! 

I need to get through them at most before Christmas, there are a lot of new ones I want to buy and read! With my new routine of reading before I go to sleep, I should hopefully get through them by then. This new routine is amazing, I feel much more rested when I wake up. On Monday I fell asleep with the TV on, and I woke feeling tired and lethargic. So I am loving my new reading before sleep! Can you tell!?
Search Amazon.com for adriana trigiani

The list...

So I have only managed to complete point 2 on my list yesterday. I joined the gym! It feels rather good! It is £34.00 odd a month and a one off fee of £47.99 which I will get back when I get my little stamp book stamped 20 times in 3 months. I also get 3 personal trainer sessions! My first one is tomorrow; I’ll blog about how it goes! I also received an information pack, with a journal of exercises, what the machines do and a recipe book for healthy protein rich meals. It’s all exciting and interesting stuff! I am going to also complete point 3, as I am going to the gym today, for a good few hours. I am able to leave an hour early today, which gives me time to pop home, grab my gym stuff and trot along to the gym! I need to do this really, as my eating habits deteriorated last Thursday, and they have not got better. Snacking on crisps and biscuits is a no no with me usually. Not lately though! I will have to go shopping on the way and pick up some healthy snacks; raisins, rice cakes, dried fruit, normal fruit.

I still haven’t been able to decide where I am going with this blog. It seems to just be ramblings about nothing and everything. Its only purpose is to write what I feel, and narrate my life! I don’t see that as being very interesting somehow. Although I do read other people’s blogs that are a narrative of their lives...but their lives do seem more interesting and exotic (many of them living abroad and have lovely jobs and great imaginations!)

Hmm I don’t know, I’ll have a good think while I’m at the gym!

Just another set back...

So opportunities arise as if from nowhere. One in particular arose recently. Out of the blue. I thought it must mean something. I just fell in to the interview. It must be it. The opportunity I have been waiting for.  It wasn’t. As usual, life fails me. Well, not life. The things I have been working and learning for the best part of my life, education, money. All seem to be a waste. All for nothing. Teh government has failed me. Amongst many other graduates. I have decided that the government is simply a collection of people who take our money and brainwash the entire nation to believing that education is the key to a successful life (bollocks), political correctness is a good idea (it’s gone mad), and all sorts of other crap!
Ughh.
Anyway. Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to bring the tone down!
I was going to write a blog of my to do list for this week.
I will still do this:
1. Apply for lots more jobs.
2. Join the gym
3. Go to the gym
4. Read a lot of my book
5. Do some art journaling
6. Do some more tummy toning exercises
7. Eat healthy again! (i was doing so well until the weekend and today!)

That’s it for now. On Friday, I will see if this list has been progressing (that doesn’t really make sense!)

Which Direction?

I’m not sure in which direction I am going with this blog. It seems to be all over the place. Unorganised. There is no eb or flow. And I dislike that. A lot.

So I thought that this is a new week, the last week in this month. So I’ll try and tie up any loose ends that there may be, and start a fresh, purposeful blog.

Failing that, I will just continue with this multi-purpose writing method!

Here goes:

1. The clothes dilemma dated 5/4/11. I have sorted this problem. I am at peace with my..er... “look” as it were (especially since I spent –a lot- of money in Topshop recently due to some much needed retail therapy!) It’s a sort of rock chick look. Let’s just say there is a lot of dark colours in my wardrobe and skulls and band t-shirts. It’s who I am, and it sort of represents the music I listen too. I throw in sort of because I don’t want to say that this is a flawless look I have achieved. It’s a look I aim for 95% of the time. The other 5% is jeans and a t-shirt. Or hoodie.

2. The engagement. I just wanted to re-iterate the whole getting engaged story. It was an amazing day; I still look back on it now and smile. We are still very much engaged, very much in love, and very much looking forward to visiting the wedding fair in September! ~

3. Art Journal/notebooks. I haven’t actually touched these let alone write or draw in them lately. I don’t have a solid excuse, it’s just that time seems to escape me when it comes to these. The blog entry dated 13/4/11 about doing a music inspired piece was forgotten, but now found. So I will do one as soon as possible. It also will be inspired more by another event I helped with on 2nd July, it was a Bass Clinic hosted by a couple of bassists from Megadeth and Anthrax. That was fun!

4. Taking artistic photos. This hasn’t really amounted to anything. All I got was an invite to a photography course which is worth £300 odd, and nothing more. I will investigate futher...!

5. Comic Con photos. I will post these up shortly!

6. Exercise. I did not go last week as my free pass had finished. I plan on going today to join. I felt good doing it; I also continued with my wii fitness coach, toning my tummy up a bit. It’s getting there and looking good!

7. I have finished my book! I blitzed it in a week! Mainly thanks to Friday, when I had a couple of hours to kill before an important thing I had to do , and the train ride to London. I love it! I used to read and finish books all the time, when I was a student. But since I have had a job, I didn’t really have the time. I have now made time, and I am now on to the second book of the two in the series, Encore Valentine. I am looking forward to it!

And that’s the catch up! I will post a second blog up this afternoon with this week’s to do list!

A long time since...

Last night was the first night in a very long time when I did not put the TV on as soon as I was ready for bed; when I did not fall asleep to the TV. I read. I read my book that has taken me forever to read, well, longer than it usually does to read books. And I read it until about 10 past 11. And I got really tired, turned off my light, and fell asleep. It was amazing! I felt so much more relaxed reading than watching the TV. It’s weird, I thought watching TV was relaxing. Oh, how wrong I was! I thought it was going to be harder to wean myself off of falling asleep to the TV, but it wasn’t. I woke up feeling more refreshed (well, a little bit). But it’s 10past 10am now, and I am feeling tired. I hope there isn’t anything wrong with me, as I have been feeling rather lethargic lately. I’ll have to keep an eye on me! 

Long time....

It’s been a while since I have blogged. There are no excuses. Well, there are a few...such as being very busy at work, and very tired when I get home from work, and seeing my fiancé.

I still have to put photos up from the Foo Fighters gig, I know. I am terrible!

Just going back to the whole “woe is me” and the moon is to blame saga...I am feeling better. I am myself again. I am actually convinced it was the moon, as there was no other possible reason –none what so ever. It was very unusual of me to be so paranoid and silly, and then cry for 2 hours non-stop. All is well, and loving and lovely; I now know that perceptions, if influenced by anything, such as alcohol, hormones or the moon, could well be wrong.

I went to Jade’s last night, and we had a nice girly night in and a delish Indian takeaway. It was well needed, and we talked nonstop for hours. I love nights like that. I think we all need those nights where we get together with a friend or two, and just talk about everything and anything. It feels so good and makes you (well me at least) very loved! It’s a shame we don’t get to do it more often, but life just gets in the way. But it goes to show that you know who real friends are, when you don’t see each other properly for a while; you can still pick up where you left off.

It got me thinking about the whole friends’ thing. I have very few close friends, and I was fortunate to meet them at my first temporary job at Zavvi music shop (when it was around!) about 3 years ago. We have been friends ever since. They are older than me, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that we don’t do what friends “normally” do at my age. We just don’t do it as often; i.e. the whole going out to clubs scene. They have real commitments. But I am ok with that. I am over the whole going out thing anyway. It’s nice now and again, but not every week, as I know some people do!

I’ve never really had a huge group of friends. I didn’t move away to uni because of my other half, so I didn’t get to make the kind of long lasting relationships that most people do when they move away. Even from school, my best friend decided to “ditch” me (for lack of a better, more grown up word) when I started going out with Gavin. The last time we really ever spoke was our Year 11 prom. And that was it. I never saw her or spoke to her again. So any girl friends I had at school did not stay. And as I read on someone else’s blog, I doubt that American sitcoms such as “Friends” and “Sex and the City” are actually based wholly on real life. It must be very loose.

But I am ok with who I have. I always felt that few but close friends is always the best, as you can spend a lot of time and effort with them. I love my friends. And I wouldn’t change my situation with them for anything. They have been there for me when I needed them, and I will be there for them when they need me. I’m hoping that these friends will be my friends for life, like so many people need.

The Power of the Moon...

So I was doing some research on the full moon and it’s effects on human behaviour and emotions, as I was sure that this may be the cause to my recent oddity of emotional behaviour.

And it turns out, my inkling was correct. The moon does actually affect human behaviour. This is what I found from http://thesituationist.wordpress.com/2007/08/17/the-moon-and-your-emotions 

“Some believe that the moon’s varying gravitational pull affects our brains and bodies in ways that we do not appreciate. After-all, the human body is mostly water, so if the moon moves bodies of water, why not us? If this sounds crazy, keep in mind that many believe it to be true, including those who are highly-educated. An article by Alina Iosif and Bruce Ballon of the University of Toronto’s Department of Psychiatry explains: A study by Rotton and Kelly in 1985 showed that 50% of university students believed that people act strangely during a full moon. In 1995, Vance reported that as many as 81% of mental health professionals believed that the full moon alters individual behaviour".

And from this website http://www.policeops.com/full-moon-ion-effect.htm

“Hormonal reactions to increased positive ions in the air (Full Moon Effect) cause hyperactivity, depression, violent behaviour, road rage, higher occurrences of migraines and asthma. Even bees are known to sting without provocation on higher positive ion ratios. Just about all the air you breathe has some quantity of Aero-Ions. Ions are charged particles in the air (between a few hundred to a few thousand per cubic centimeter). Some ions are negatively charged (Negative Ions) and some positively charged (Positive Ions). After years of research around the world, Ion Scientists have determined over and over that an imbalance in the ratio between Positive and Negative Ions has a profound effect on both your mental and physical well being.”

So, hopefully, this feeling I have will disappear within the next couple of days!

I think my previous blog still stands though, how do you know when someone is being genuine or fake, when perceptions and emotions get in the way?!

Sometimes, Negativity is just too Strong...

How do you know if something is real or fake?
Just how?
It’s become impossible for me to tell now. There are too many variables, too many subjective perceptions flying around to know for sure what the truth is.
How do I know, that what I am seeing is genuinely real? I don’t understand.
How do I know, if the person doing all the right actions and saying all the right things is being genuine and means them, and I am not just perceiving it wrong. Or, how do I know, that the person doing all the right actions and saying all the right things is being fake, and my perceptions are correct? I know no-one will ever read this, so I will never know. But I just don’t know if my perceptions are correct or incorrect. And it hurts. Because something is telling me “you’re 100% right, this gut feeling is telling you that this person is faking these things and doesn’t mean them”.

The other thing is saying “don’t be stupid. There is no reason for this person to suddenly change his actions from being genuine to being fake in a matter of hours”.
But I think there is. There is a possibility. That in those 6 hours the person decided he has had enough, he can’t be bothered, he doesn’t want to make an effort (something he said last night tells me this “you’re such an effort. Just relax”) and he doesn’t want to be bothered with a relationship anymore.
I just can’t tell. I am 60% sure that the latter is the matter. I say this, because he said I am an effort and I need to relax. Now, to me, this means that he can’t be bothered to put effort in himself. In my eyes, as soon as someone stops putting effort into a relationship, the moment it begins to fall apart. We are not friends. We are not linked by the invisible underlying rule that friends are just there for you because they are there. We are engaged for god sake, and we need to put effort in to make that distinction between friends and lovers. Being in a relationship means doing little things for the other person that he/she will love. Saying nice things that you mean, that will make the other person happy. Recently, i’ve come to realise, that this has stopped in my relationship. And that paired with the thing he said last night, has shed light on the real thing. He just can’t be bothered.
If am wrong, I will say so. And I will post another blog quite happily admitting I was wrong, and the full moon made me crazy. (I am sure that the full moon affects people.)
So, watch this space. Over this weekend (which, unfortunately, is his birthday weekend, so I have to bloody make an effort whether I want to or not), I will try and not bother. I will step back. And see how he takes it. If he senses something is wrong, and is worried and maybe even a little upset (ha, who am I kidding?!), then that will be a start. The next thing is if he does or says anything that will make me see that he can still be bothered.

All I did was cry last night. I cried for an hour or so. I haven’t cried like that for a while. A very long while. Where I thought everything was tickety boo.
And all I want to do now is cry.
Work just gets in the way.
I wish there was a sign.
Relationships are so friggin’ hard :(

It's all gone now...

I knew it would wear off. I don’t feel so blue anymore! Yay for me! And yay for me again for not posting it all over the web!

There are a number of things I want to do, after reading other blogs. There is this “honest scrap” thing, where you write a number of honest things on your blog that readers will not know. Then you pass it on to other bloggers. There is 6 things that make you happy, and a “to do list for this week/and or month.”

I want to do each of these in my blog. I will start with the honest scrap thing I guess!

So, here it is. 10 honest things about me. This is going to be hard; there is not a lot to me!

1. I am in a relationship with an amazing guy. I have been in this relationship for 6 and a half years. We have been together since we were 15. We are now 22. And engaged! We plan to get married in 3 years time, when we have hopefully both got better jobs and have moved out.

2. I seem to have grown an obsession with Dave Grohl. This is very strange for me, as I am not one for obsessing over anyone except for my fiancé!!

3. I have never smoked. That’s not entirely true. I’ve tried one, on my 19th birthday. It was foul.

4. I like to collect notebooks.

5. I love books, and reading books. I just don’t seem to have the time to read a lot of them :)

6. I am a bit of a crybaby. In the way that I take a lot of things to heart. I’ve got better over the years, most things that happen are usually just water off a ducks back. But if and when I get angry. I cry. A lot.

7. I am also a worrier. I worry a lot about the smallest of things. For example, Gavin occasionally coughs. Now this is probably due to his work environment being around smokers, but I was worrying it was something worse.

8. I want to travel. Everywhere. I just want to see the world. And I want to do it all with my fiancé. 

9. I try to be easygoing and happy all the time... but it just doesn’t always go that way!

10. I am sucker for revenge. Big time! But, fortunately, I have never done anything deceitful or unfaithful.

So there it is. My honest 10. Hardly exciting, I know! But there it is. I want to pass the sign onto my two friends and fellow bloggers Jade Foster and Kate Howard :)

Negativity = bad

So I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. I don’t really want to go in to it. Let’s just say, it’s something I feel now and again when I am somehow evaluating my whole life and situation in a matter of minutes. I advise that this is something nobody should do. It is not good, and leads to stupid, irrational thoughts.  I’m trying to do this new thing where I don’t moan about the slightest of mood changes and make a mountain out of a mole hill.  When I used to do this, one day I would be “oh, woe is me, the world is over and I hate my life and everything is just aaawwwful” and then the next day I would realise I was being so pathetically over the top and petty, that I would feel stupid about my feelings the day before! So, from now on, I have refrained from updating my facebook status to “life sucks” or “same shit, different day”; I have stopped moaning to others about it, and, more importantly, I have stopped taking it out on my fiancé, even sometimes blaming him for my “mood swings!”  So this is as far as my “heavy heartedness” will publicly go. The rest will be written down in my notebook, because, as you all know, keeping feelings bottled up is not good!

Aaaanyway, I have started the gym. I haven’t joined it just yet; I am using a free 5 day guest pass that voucher codes kindly offered. I must say, I think I have found a new hobby! I love it! I love going to the gym, and working out, knowing that it will pay off in the long run. Knowing that what I am doing is good for me, and boy, does it feel good! As well as all the obvious health benefits, (reduce risk of obesity, illness, diseases, maintains bones, muscles and joints) it also promotes Psychological Wellbeing. Which I did not actually know! Apparently, “regular physical activity can improve your mood and the way you feel about yourself. Researchers also have found that exercise is likely to reduce depression and anxiety and help you to better manage stress”. I actually found this to be true. After I’ve been to the gym, I feel so much better about me and everything! And that’s only an hour and half! I can only stay there for that long because I haven’t got member parking yet. But when I do, I could spend a whole evening there! Gavin probably won’t see me for most evenings! I can’t wait to get my stamina up and run on the running machines for 30mins and go on the cross trainer for 20, and cycle for 15! I will keep you posted with my progress! I am going tonight, can’t wait!

Been a while....

I haven’t posted on here for a while. I’ve been sort of busy following everyone else’s blogs! I think I have now become a rather big fan of these things! I’m not sure why...I think I just enjoy reading about everyone else’s lives, as they seem more interesting and exciting than mine!

So, to catch up on what I’ve been doing over the past couple of weeks.

On Saturday, 2nd July, Gavin and I went to see Foo Fighters at Milton Keynes Bowl, and, my god, they were –amazing-. Breathtaking. I have been to concerts before, at the O2 in London and at Wembley, both the stadium and the arena. But the outdoor one at Milton Keynes was and is definitely the best I have been too. I am still on a high from it 2 weeks later! And I think I am in love with Dave Grohl! What a guy! I don’t think he’s good looking, I think it’s the whole rock star who is amazing at everything sort of thing! I will post pics up when I get home. (watch this space!)

Then on Saturday 9th July, a few friends and I went to London Film and Comic Con at Earls Court. It was good. It wasn’t as good as I hoped it was going to be to be honest! I did meet Richard Hatch from Battlestar Galactica, Gavin got a signed copy and Richard called me cute! And I saw Christopher Lloyd and got a few pictures of him. Other than that, the stalls there seemed to be selling second hand stuff and memorabilia that was hugely expensive. We had to leave early as it was Gavin’s brother’s birthday, and we were all going pub in the evening. That was also good! Again, I will post pics up of the comic con bit later on.

(watch this space!)