Friday, 14 October 2011

“Doubt makes the mountain which faith can move”

"There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.”
Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C

If a beautiful stranger walked up to you, and wanted to have you, right there and then, and there was no way on earth anyone would know about what you did, just you and her/him, would you do it? Would you betray someone you loved for that small moment of "excitement"?
I know I really wouldn't. I suffer terribly from guilt.


I have been having a lot of this lately. Doubting everything. New job possibilities, family. Even my own fiancé.
And I really don't know why. I seem to be questioning everyone and everything, and it really is not healthy. But I can't escape it. It won't leave me alone.
I've had times like this before. In the past. And it's usually this niggling doubt that I hate so much that has actually been there for a reason. It has actually helped bring to light the "truth". But this has not happened for a number of years now. 

Why? Why am I imagining stupid, irrational, idiotic thoughts? I mean, WTF is that about? It's pathetic. And I need to get out of this frame of mind. It's so very wrong! Any friends or family reading this will slap me silly and tell me to snap out of it. I'm being totally unreasonable.

Then, you never know. For real. Do you? Unless you have a spy, or have the time of day to follow someone around all day, you will never know for absolute. All you can do is trust. Trust is very powerful. With it, you can do what you want. You can do anything, so long as the person trusts you, you'll never have to worry. Until, obviously, you get caught. Then, the trust is broken. It can be healed. Just like a broken vase, it can be super-glued back together. But now it's weak. It is so much easier to break again. Accidentally or on purpose. The crack will always be there.
Surely, this doubt has to be fake. There must be no reason for it. For any of it. Toward anyone. Or anything. 

I don't know. It's hard. To trust someone has become a little difficult for me lately. It seems like I am programmed to doubt something perfect, when there is no need for it. Something in my head is telling me "something is wrong. It has to be. This is far too good to be true". 

Why do we think like that? Where did that saying even come from? "If it's too good to be true, it usually is". Or something along those lines. It seems like I have adopted this philosophy. I really don't like it. I really have no need to think like this. I need that cognitive behavioural therapy. I need to turn irrational, negative thoughts into positive ones. I mean, I have nothing but pure paranoia causing the doubt. That is no reason to even think of unimaginable things. 

Go away doubt. Please. I have no reason to bear your weight on my shoulders. My friends, fiancé, and family all love me, and they would never hurt me. Take you and your friend Paranoia somewhere far, far away from me. I never want to see you again. You have the potential to ruin things, and I hate you both for it. 

“Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt”
William Shakespeare quotes (English Dramatist, Playwright and Poet, 1564-1616)

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