Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Agh, It Burns!

I fee like I'm coming out of a very dark room, into the bright, bright sunshine. It hurts my eyes! 
I haven’t done a proper post for a while. To be honest, I haven’t really had the motivation; not only for writing, but for doing anything. I went out for a friend’s leaving drink on Friday, and then her party was the next day. I only stayed for about 4 hours, apart from being tired and slightly hangover from the night before, I just had no motivation. I wanted to just get into my bed and sleep! I haven’t even been able to start the day zero project.
I think I’ve hit a point where I just think “why bother”. Over the last week or so, I’ve had near opportunities and setbacks. These setbacks are so dis-heartening. I used to be able to get back on my horse. But lately, I want to give up. I keep thinking over and over again what’s the point of having a degree, what’s the point in being “intelligent” when it gets you –nowhere-.  I hate being where I am, I hate being spoken to like a fricking 5 year old, I hate doing everything, while some people just sit and do nothing. I don’t understand. I get so frustrated. I don’t know, maybe I am destined to be stuck in this place for the rest of my life. Clearly no-body else wants me, so why bother.

So anyway, that’s the sort of mood I have been in lately. I had a major setback after being told that I had a pretty good chance, and it’s extremely hard to come back from that. I guess that’s why I didn’t post on here for a while, because it would have only been whiney and “moaney”, and it would have depressed me even more writing down the realities of it all!
But, I think tonight I will manage to get back up onto the horse, and start again. I’ve got a few tips from the girls at work, so hopefully when I put those into action, it will have a positive effect!

 I think I will also be able to start my day zero project tonight. I probably should have done it earlier to take my mind off things that are going on. I will write more posts on my progress!

There you are. Not a very exciting post, I promise to make them more exiting! I just wanted to show through a tiny window of what I (and probably hundreds more of you) am going through, trying to carve a path out for ourselves in life. It’s bloody tough.

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