A Happy Return

Wow.

I can't believe that I am back to writing on here again! 

I started this blog must be over 10 years ago if not more on Blogger.

I had been on and off blogging ever since. Then Blogger shut down for years and I had to traipse my way over to Wordpress which is fine, but I am saving that for a home blog now. 

I Googled top free blogging sites and my goodness I couldn't believe it when Blogger appeared on the list! 

I am so pleased it has returned. It is so easy and simple to use! 

*Huuuge disclaimer*
Some of these thoughts may ring true for some people, some may seem close to real life and some may seem like digs at people. Please, please please, it is not a dig. This is a space for me to air my thoughts that I have all the time, that I daren't air to my friends/family as I don't want to rock the boat or come across as an enemy. If it does seem like I am talking about you - it is not a dig. It is not a belittling of your life. It is me writing down my thoughts and justifying why I think them. 

So, the reason why I am back, for now, is that I need a space to write down all my innermost thoughts and feelings about life and friends and work and all that jazz.

And, I don't think anyone I know currently knows about this blog.

I love journalling and writing and I loooove stationary and notebooks - I have so many! 
So why am I journalling online, for all to see? Well, I remember reading someone's blog once where they said that they prefer to journal in the online world because knowing that someone may read it boosts their drive to journal and write a little more! 

What prompted me to start writing now?

Well, I have a constant conflict in my head. 
Ever since school, every friendship group I have been in, I have always been the most boring one. The one where I have no drama, no exciting things going on in my life, no real opinions that I bring to the table (none that I would ever share with anyone because my opinions aren't those that are "on trend" at the moment). 
I have coasted through life, working hard and playing the game in the rat race so that I could emulate the life my parents have and gave me. 

And, fortunately, it worked.

I now have my dream life. I have a dream (ish lol) husband, a dream dog, and a house that is wonderful. 

And now, because of it, once again I am the odd one out. Because of where I am, I feel like my values and opinions are even more not valid or valued or worth anything because I haven't had to go through hardship or anything so "what do I know".

And I hate that. Like, you think that just because I am where I am today, doesn't make my opinions or anything any less valid than yours?

It sucks.

But of course - I could be entirely wrong and this could all be in my head! But you know sometimes you can just feel and see in between the lines sometimes?

I don't know.
And herein lies the conflict.

Is it all in my head? 

At the age of 31 you'd think that social status and life don't have any sort of influence on my social groups.

I'd like to hope so anyway. 

And sometimes I feel like I should apologise for where I am. In fact, every day I feel bad for having this life. The god's honest truth is that I wake up, and feel like shit because I wonder to myself, it's just another day where nothing happens but I am waking up in my own bed in my own house, but that isn't good enough. I feel like if I was to go through a shit time, I would be more valued.

It's not fair that I should be made to feel bad because of the life I created for myself.

I have never asked for help from anyone and paid my way. I pay my taxes so that some people can live so much more.  I pay my student loan because I was lulled into a false sense that getting a degree will get you great jobs and shit when really it was all a load of bollocks and getting a degree has got me no further than anyone I know. I could have thought "stick it to the man, I'm going to avoid paying it either by hiding or not earning enough money to qualify to pay it back". But the only person that affects is me. Everyone else is like "go on then. Hide - get caught, either go to jail or payback more" or "go on then, earn less than the qualifying amount, but you will not be able to afford a certain life you want". So - I pay it. Begrudgingly of course. 

I pay into a pension so that I can have something to live off when I retire. I pay insurance so that I am covered for life's shit.

So, basically, I want to just state that I do what a lot of people do in the world. 

I have a job and strive to always be and do better so that I can pay for things so that I can live the life I want. I pay for security that I had when I was growing up and so it has become instilled in me to need security. I pay for security for my husband, who didn't have any security growing up. 
And if that makes me some sort of dickhead that is weak and pathetic for being part of the rat race, then that's fine.

Is that really that wrong? Is what I do offensive? Is what I do really affecting other people's lives?

No! 

Thing is, I do things to help. I have cut down on my meat intake, I don't even eat red meat anymore as I want to help the environment. I walk and take public transport where possible. I recycle.

I vote for the green party.

I do care about the world, and fully aware we have to take care of it.

So please, don't paint me as some evil bitch because I am like the majority and focus on making sure myself and my husband are happy.

Is that ok? Am I allowed to be happy? If I am happy and not doing anything illegal or morally wrong, then please, accept me and appreciate my values - I am human and I do care for other humans too.

What a crap world we live in.

That social media, colleagues, peers, etc all want everyone to be the same and dammn those that strive for a decent life - that is personal to them.

May I add that my life is personal to me. My life is not used in spite of people. I didn't get to where I am just to shit on everyone. I did it for me by me (and my husband). I didn't do it to make a point.  I by no means think I am better than everyone - in fact, if you haven't already guessed, I feel worse than everyone because I have not had to go through hardship. I know full well if I did I'd be more respected. 

Becuase I respect those who have. My god, those who have not had an easy life I respect them so hard because they have lived through it and come out stronger. 

Those are the people we celebrate and bloody hell of course!