A Happy Return

Wow.

I can't believe that I am back to writing on here again! 

I started this blog must be over 10 years ago if not more on Blogger.

I had been on and off blogging ever since. Then Blogger shut down for years and I had to traipse my way over to Wordpress which is fine, but I am saving that for a home blog now. 

I Googled top free blogging sites and my goodness I couldn't believe it when Blogger appeared on the list! 

I am so pleased it has returned. It is so easy and simple to use! 

*Huuuge disclaimer*
Some of these thoughts may ring true for some people, some may seem close to real life and some may seem like digs at people. Please, please please, it is not a dig. This is a space for me to air my thoughts that I have all the time, that I daren't air to my friends/family as I don't want to rock the boat or come across as an enemy. If it does seem like I am talking about you - it is not a dig. It is not a belittling of your life. It is me writing down my thoughts and justifying why I think them. 

So, the reason why I am back, for now, is that I need a space to write down all my innermost thoughts and feelings about life and friends and work and all that jazz.

And, I don't think anyone I know currently knows about this blog.

I love journalling and writing and I loooove stationary and notebooks - I have so many! 
So why am I journalling online, for all to see? Well, I remember reading someone's blog once where they said that they prefer to journal in the online world because knowing that someone may read it boosts their drive to journal and write a little more! 

What prompted me to start writing now?

Well, I have a constant conflict in my head. 
Ever since school, every friendship group I have been in, I have always been the most boring one. The one where I have no drama, no exciting things going on in my life, no real opinions that I bring to the table (none that I would ever share with anyone because my opinions aren't those that are "on trend" at the moment). 
I have coasted through life, working hard and playing the game in the rat race so that I could emulate the life my parents have and gave me. 

And, fortunately, it worked.

I now have my dream life. I have a dream (ish lol) husband, a dream dog, and a house that is wonderful. 

And now, because of it, once again I am the odd one out. Because of where I am, I feel like my values and opinions are even more not valid or valued or worth anything because I haven't had to go through hardship or anything so "what do I know".

And I hate that. Like, you think that just because I am where I am today, doesn't make my opinions or anything any less valid than yours?

It sucks.

But of course - I could be entirely wrong and this could all be in my head! But you know sometimes you can just feel and see in between the lines sometimes?

I don't know.
And herein lies the conflict.

Is it all in my head? 

At the age of 31 you'd think that social status and life don't have any sort of influence on my social groups.

I'd like to hope so anyway. 

And sometimes I feel like I should apologise for where I am. In fact, every day I feel bad for having this life. The god's honest truth is that I wake up, and feel like shit because I wonder to myself, it's just another day where nothing happens but I am waking up in my own bed in my own house, but that isn't good enough. I feel like if I was to go through a shit time, I would be more valued.

It's not fair that I should be made to feel bad because of the life I created for myself.

I have never asked for help from anyone and paid my way. I pay my taxes so that some people can live so much more.  I pay my student loan because I was lulled into a false sense that getting a degree will get you great jobs and shit when really it was all a load of bollocks and getting a degree has got me no further than anyone I know. I could have thought "stick it to the man, I'm going to avoid paying it either by hiding or not earning enough money to qualify to pay it back". But the only person that affects is me. Everyone else is like "go on then. Hide - get caught, either go to jail or payback more" or "go on then, earn less than the qualifying amount, but you will not be able to afford a certain life you want". So - I pay it. Begrudgingly of course. 

I pay into a pension so that I can have something to live off when I retire. I pay insurance so that I am covered for life's shit.

So, basically, I want to just state that I do what a lot of people do in the world. 

I have a job and strive to always be and do better so that I can pay for things so that I can live the life I want. I pay for security that I had when I was growing up and so it has become instilled in me to need security. I pay for security for my husband, who didn't have any security growing up. 
And if that makes me some sort of dickhead that is weak and pathetic for being part of the rat race, then that's fine.

Is that really that wrong? Is what I do offensive? Is what I do really affecting other people's lives?

No! 

Thing is, I do things to help. I have cut down on my meat intake, I don't even eat red meat anymore as I want to help the environment. I walk and take public transport where possible. I recycle.

I vote for the green party.

I do care about the world, and fully aware we have to take care of it.

So please, don't paint me as some evil bitch because I am like the majority and focus on making sure myself and my husband are happy.

Is that ok? Am I allowed to be happy? If I am happy and not doing anything illegal or morally wrong, then please, accept me and appreciate my values - I am human and I do care for other humans too.

What a crap world we live in.

That social media, colleagues, peers, etc all want everyone to be the same and dammn those that strive for a decent life - that is personal to them.

May I add that my life is personal to me. My life is not used in spite of people. I didn't get to where I am just to shit on everyone. I did it for me by me (and my husband). I didn't do it to make a point.  I by no means think I am better than everyone - in fact, if you haven't already guessed, I feel worse than everyone because I have not had to go through hardship. I know full well if I did I'd be more respected. 

Becuase I respect those who have. My god, those who have not had an easy life I respect them so hard because they have lived through it and come out stronger. 

Those are the people we celebrate and bloody hell of course! 

 

Returning to Writing

I've been having slight wobbles....

I'm now 29, 30 in June this year and I'm starting to realise why people have mid life crises....why people have affairs....why people suddenly get to an age and just lost it.

Life gets boring. 

Life gets mundane.

Life gets monotonous.

It's all very well being in secure marriage, in a lovely house and have the dog you've always wanted with the car you've always wanted. 

I'm reminding myself of that song - she's so lucky, she's a star, but she cries, cries, cries with her lonely heart thinking, if there's nothing, missing in my life, then why do these tears fall at night? 

I know I'm lucky. I know I have the things that some people could only ever dream of. I am certainly aware of that and I am not ungrateful for sure. 

I've just feel like I've woken up from being on autopilot, from being in a third viewpoint amongst a social media, head in the clouds bubble. 

Life has just become plain. We do the same thing, day in, day out. And whilst it's nice and comfortable, that'st it. It's nice. 

I have a vivacity for life. I love to live - and I want to make the most of life. 

I'm bored of doing the same thing again and again.

I am probably just in this place because we are saving up for - ha oh this just gets better - going to New York and Disneyland Paris....oh and a new kitchen. 

I'm sorry I feel this way - I am hoping it's just a blip and I'll snap out of it. I think I need to become more mindful and positive thinking.....I do spend far too much time in the past and in the future, so I think I need to practice being present. 

I know I don't deserve to feel any of this, but I can't help it. I can't speak with authority but I think it's human nature to have wobbles now and again....is it? 

We can't be happy all the time, that's surely not natural! 

I'm glad I came back to this little place - a place where I can pour my thoughts and feelings from my head to a page - and as much as I love writing by hand in a physical diary - in all honesty it hurts! Like, physically, hurts my hand! And it would have taken a lot longer to visualise my thoughts! 

I'm going to go and see what good books there are on being mindful and present in the moment....in the hope that this cloud goes away....

Thanks for just listening! 

 

Italy is our Second Home

We went to Maiori on the Amalfi Coast in Italy in September this year. 
We've decided that is our second home. We love it there - best holiday to date. 
We had so much fun, seeing Pompeii, climbing Mt. Vesuvius, riding the very choppy sea to Capri, playing in the sea, sunbathing on the black sand, drinking by the pool, saying stupid things as a result of non stop drinking! Some of these classics were "I wonder what people think about me looking so smart and you looking like a sloth"
"I don't like spiders shooting at me"
"Can I have a straw please?" *get given an ashtray* 
"I wish you a fantastic dinner" said a waitress to us
"When I say grazi, you say prego!" said a singer on the entertainment night. 

It's a place I highly recommend everyone needs to go, we're still not done there yet, there's so much to do!

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Ranting

Not sure where to start really. Lets just say that this is just a rant that I'll probably delete later once I have my rational head back on. I'm fed up. I'm tired. Because I'm so fecking confused. It seems clearer day by day that someone who lives by the rules, by law, lives a clean healthy life with a job and a savings account, who has a motivation to buy a house, move up in life, only drinks, doesn't do drugs or anything totally illegal, has a degree and is relatively clever- is something that no one actually gives a shit about. Its probably deemed boring by many(not friends), so that person is the least favourite to talk to...or have a laugh with. It's also probably deemed not good enough by the one person who should be proud of that person. She seems to not realise that "well at least she's not sleeping around, at least she's not going out most nights wasting money on alcohol or doing drugs, and she has a degree and a job". She fails to think about what that the way that person's turned out, and instead just thinks about what she wants. out of her way.  Everyday Im starting to struggle with this "normal" life. I often think about just going off the rails, do drugs, become single, go out most nights. Will people then take more interest? I hate to think...
I just can't see why that makes someone feel like the odd one out...
It was completely different. People did take an interest. They laughed at the ditsy, sometimes dirty comments and they were shocked but I think that's one of things that they found interesting. Coz they took the time to find that out.
ugh...give up. give it time. More time. And make her realise that it could be worse.

11 days later...

Sooo as you can see I kinda failed with the photo a day thing....so, against my initial thoughts I'm going to do this fmsphotoaday thing my friend is doing. I'm jumping in at number 22 where the theme is "corner". Soooo...I guess this is a picture of a corner at work.